I don’t need a $150 per hour therapist to tell me that I am not right in the head. All I need to do is to to look at my television viewing habits for a clue to my state of mind.
Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School – I managed to resist VH-1’s Flavor of Love I and II. I had no idea who New York, Buckwild, or Pumpkin were. But one evening, after forgetting to change the channel following a viewing the latest installment of Celebrity Fit Club, I began watching the show like it was visual crack. I found myself, staring, only able to mouth the words, “What the hell…?”
With big, bawdy comedienne, Mo’Nique, as their headmistress, these women–former contestants on Flavor of Love — attempt to retool their hard-edged, ghettofied images and transform themselves into less ghettofied, hard-edged women with the winner receiving $50.000. Oh, I know what you are thinking, when I say, “ghettofied”, you think I am talking about neck rolling, eye-poping, loud talking black girls. No. No. No. The Flavor of Love Girls represent a veritable rainbow of foolish women.
Did I mention that they are dressed in Catholic school girl uniforms ala Britney Spears in “Oops I Did It Again?”
Well, each show opens with the a commandment/life lesson that the girls must learn through the completion of a specific task. For example, in the “Thou Shall Spit Mad Game with Style” episode, the girls take the short yellow bus (I swear I’m not lying.) to California State -Fullerton where the school’s debate team attempts to help the women develop their communication skills. Then, the women, divided into teams, square off in a debate in front of a live audience. One team won. The other lost. And it was all a hot mess.
Thoughout the show, Mo’Nique likes to spit a lesson or two of her own like this priceless gem: “When life gets a hold of you, it uses no vaseline; it simply bends you over.” Ouch!! Painful lesson indeed.
What’s wrong with me? Somebody call the folks from Intervention. I haven’t been this strung out since “Being Bobby Brown.”
Celebrity Fit Club– Want to know what your favorite celebrity has-been has been up to? Check out Celebrity Fit Club. This season, we have a couple of overgrown former child stars, a couple of played out rappers, a teen singing sensation who went from doing the mall crawl to crawling around in front of a lens for Playboy. And there are a couple of people, who we are told are celebrities but whom I clearly don’t recognize. Maybe they have been hanging out on the D List with Kathy Griffin.
There’s always conflict. Someone doesn’t want to follow the diet. Someone doesn’t want to do the exercises. Someone threatens to walk off the show. It’s like Friday Night Fights without the bell and the blood.
Divorce Court – What can I say? This “judge” show should be required viewing for anyone contemplating marriage. He cheats or her. Then she cheats on him. The husband impregnates his “side chick.” The wife becomes pregnant and swears the baby is his. DNA test results are revealed. Child support is ordered. Alimony is requested. And because this is television, the litigants have to deliver the crazy. And indeed they do. I love the new judge — Lynn Toler. (Yes, I’ve been watching this show a while.) She is a sharp, Harvard-educated woman who doesn’t allow things to get too out of hand. She also dispenses wisdom based on her experiences as married woman.
Spongebob Squarepants – I love quirky cartoons that may secretly be subversive. Who knew that America could fall in love with a vapid sponge and a mentally-challenged starfish? I say, “America” because it seems that I am not the only fool who is addicted to the cartoon. Spongebob Squarepants has been consistently one of the highest rated shows on basic cable television — only to be bested by the occasional Flavor of Love episode.
Little People, Big World – A great show. Cosbyesque for sure. The reality show follows the lives of the Roloff family which is comprised of the little people parents, two “normal-sized” children, and a set of twins – one normal-sized, the other a little person. The children love soccer. Mom coaches her younger son’s team. Dad is a quirky inventor and a traveling salesman for a corporate entity. The kids are sweet — not sassy — and perhaps a bit doltish (which may be the result ingesting of a lot of sodas and other less than nutritious fare). Perhaps they would be willing to adopt me. Who wouldn’t want a 30++++year-old black woman as a part of their all white family? (Note: I swear the mother looks just like my first cousin who, for the record, is barely 5ft tall.)
Run’s House – Another Cosby clone. This time there is a religious twist. Dad is an ex-multiplatinum album- selling rapper turned minister. Although this blended family seems too good to be true, I like the show because I am tired of looking at other people’s dysfunctional families. I have my own to deal with.