For weeks it seemed, I tried to write a post on Tori Spelling and her hit Oxygen series, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. (Tuesdays, 10 p.m. EDT). I put some thoughts down on paper — some of them deep, many of them not-so-much.
Enough with the procrastination disguised as writer’s block. Let me just get down to it. I love me some Tori Spelling and her show. If that bug-eyed broad isn’t the hardest working heifer in show business, I don’t know who is.
This season, we see Tori, several months pregnant, often in pain, embarking on a grueling publicity tour for her New York Times bestselling book, sTORI Telling and on a quest to find her first home of her very own within 30 days no less. Why the rush? She, hubby Dean, and baby Liam were being evicted. Their money-luvin’ landlord wanted to sell the place. Much to my delight, and I am sure to theirs, they found the perfect place.
Yes, Tori knows how to get her grind on. Sister even has a side hustle hawking jewelry on one of the shopping nets. “Spoiled Hollywood rich kid” my anus. First of all, according to published reports, my Tori only got a mere $800,000 from her later father, television mogul Aaron Spelling’s approximately $250 million estate. Now you broke-ass whiners might say, “Oh, I’d love to have $800,000. What the hell is she complaining about?” Well, she ain’t complaining. And I’d bet my favorite chesticle — the slightly more ample left one — that you’d be ready to stomp a beytoch if all you got was $800K out of the deal.
What I most love about Tori is her enduring sense of gratitude despite her many challenges and her fabulous self-deprecating sense of humor which seems to help her weather the storms. What, or rather who, I am deeply challenged by is her husband Dean McDermott who she met while they were both still married to other people. On one hand, Dean seems overly accommodating. For example, after Tori objected to Dean’s suba diving with a sexay young female instructor, he found a gay diving group to play with instead and provided Tori with a wonderful day on the beach complete with two cabana boys at her beck and call. But on the other hand, Dean doesn’t pull his weight in the hustling department. While Tori is out pounding the pavement trying to sell her book, Dean is at home with Liam, putzing around on the computer recording voiceover audition MP3s. I sincerely hope that Dean isn’t pimping my beloved Hollywood princess or he will have to answer to me and I ain’t no f-ing joke.
To feed the beast that I my emerging Tori addiction, I have to decided to purchase sTORI Telling. I read an except on Amazon.com in which she talked about her mother — the two are estranged — and how when Tori was twelve she asked her mother if she was pretty. Candi “Cruella” Spelling’s response was, “You will be when we get your nose done.” Oh my God! Candi “Cruella” sounds exactly like my mom who had me pinch my Africanesque nose in order to somehow make it smaller. If she could have afforded the plastic surgery, my mother would have had my black ass (or rather nose) under the knife in a heartbeat. Oh, the memories. Oh, the therapists bills.