Just when I was getting to really like TLC’s reality show about hapless celebrity bikini designer Ashley Paige, the network decided to move the show to a different timeslot and did so unannounced. As a creature of habit whose television viewing is tightly scheduled, such a change can send me into seziures. And so it almost did when I clicked my remote to TLC on Friday at 10 p.m. expecting to find my Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust only to see some ish, I can’t remember what. I wanted my Ashley and would not accept any substitutes. Determined to find what I was looking for, I scoured the 500 channel universe as presented to me by the good folks at DirectTV, and finally, on Saturday morning at 10 a.m., I found her. And the world was right again.
Then the next week, they, the ish for brains folks in TLC’s scheduling department, f-ed me again and decided in their infinite ignorance not to broadcast the show at all. (Note to TLC: If you want to improve your lackluster/declining ratings, pulling asinine moves such as this, which are more reminiscent of old school broadcast rather than ahead-of-the-curve cable television, ain’t going to do it.) Okay, they bring it back the next week but at a different time, once again, without any prior notice. So I ended up missing the season finale in which Ashley has to make a decision about whether to go with an investor or to keep her barely functioning retail shop and her “freedom”. Alright, it’s not a nail-biting cliff hanger but I was still intrigued.
Wondering if they are going to bring back Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust for a second season? According to a published interview, so is Ashley Paige. Those b’s at TLC got my girl nearly breaking out the knees pads to get a greenlight for another go of it. She’s asking people to send good thoughts, to mediate, to pray to their favorite deity and to write Viewer_Relations@discovery.com to express their undying love for all that is Ashley and beg shamelessly for the show’s return.
I love you Ashley — little heart love not big heart love which is reserved for my TV divas such as Jeff Lewis of Bravo’s Flipping Out and ex-supermodel and fashion agency head Janice Dickinson. (By the way with the beyotch will be back on Oxygen on August 26 at 10 p.m. Jesus does love me!!)
But Ashley, I don’t love you enough to take time out of my busy viewing schedule to do the begging and pleading thing on your behalf. And anyway, I look at TLC’s rejection of you (dear, let’s not be in denial) as a good thing. Your show did not fit in well with a network that is devoted to airing shows about medical oddities like basketball-sized hairy moles growing out of an 800 lb. hermaphrodite’s ass. (I made that up but you got to admit, it’s so very TLC) and whose highest rated program is Jon and Kate Plus 8 featuring a couple who pimp their children like Disney. No, TLC doesn’t want any new stories about real, semi-normal, grown ass people who work for a living. (Yes, for the record, I do recognize that pimping is work too.)
So, dear Ashley, get off of your knees, dry your eyes and tell TLC to kiss your skinny white ass. Then take that same ass over to Bravo — a channel which gives much love to fashion and the fashionistas — and pitch Bikini or Bust to them. But before you go to that big meeting, I’d like to suggest that you…ahem…wash your hair, dispense with the pigtails, stand up straight, and promise to tone down your mother’s hokeyness. We Bravo viewers like our madres to be more badass than backwoods.
Hey Ashley, good luck. I hope to see you again very soon.
Want to see TLC to bring Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust back for a second season? To let TLC know how you feel, click here.