Since the premiere of the reality competition show, I Want to Work for Diddy, (VH1, Mondays, 9 p.m. Eastern) the question has been: Would you want to work for Diddy, a man that would make billionaire Donald Trump creator of the hauntingly similar reality show,The Apprentice, look a punk beytoch? My answer to that question: “Hell no”. Been there, done that, burned the knee pads. The closest I’ve been to being someone’s personal assistant/slave was when I worked for a producer for a famous animation studio. I should have known that the association would be a disaster since this body wasn’t made for bowing and scraping. So, the thought of working for someone as demanding as Diddy who would request that you know to bring him a sandwich after he has finished making love would leave me speechless save a few choice words like,”Are you f-ing kidding me?”
With that said, the show, I Want to Work for Diddy, has some merit that goes beyond the supposed prize — to work in the big house like a field slave for the HNIC.
Yes, the twelve contestants are put through their paces and rightfully so. Some of the tasks seem strange but there is a method to the mogul’s madness. But before I go in to the down and dirty of the challenges, first things first. At the start of the premiere episode, the contestants participate in a panel interview conducted by three of Diddy’s former/current assistants — Derek, Capricorn (a sister with a visable thorny personality. And what kind of name is Capricorn? It’s should be BABS — short for Bitter Ass Beyotch) and Norma, the assistant who has worked for him the longest and is now a big wig for the restaurant chain Cipriani.
Wannabes are asked the usual questions like “Tell me something about yourself” and “Describe your typical day.” to which they give ridiculous answers much to the consternation of the panel who take their roles as supreme vetters very seriously. One sistah tells of how she does everything but work when she reports to her job. Another, Georgette, a real estate broker, comes in with a low cut blouse serving up tittays for the taking. And one dude says wants to be like Diddy and starts clowning around and dancing. He, I might add, was summarily dismissed before the first challenge.
The real classic was Kim who goes by the moniker, Poprah. Why she gave herself this name, I have yet to figure out. It takes her forever to set up her “presentation.” At the conclusion, big momma, throws a pair of dice in front of the panel and states that if Diddy hires someone other than her, he is, in effect, rolling the dice. Loud, black ,fat and obnoxious and insufferable, she is poised to be the show’s Omarosa sans beauty and pedigree.
By the way if you think that the contestants were effing up for the camera, think again. I teach a business communication course in which the students have to participate in a panel interview exercise nearly identical to the one on the show. And without fail, some students give the most asinine, cringe-worthy answers thinking all the while that the nailed the damn thing.
Back to the show.
Participants are divided into two teams the Downtown Blue team and the Uptown Red Team. Did I mention that there is gorgeous trannie Laverne on the Downtown team, and a fine ass black gay man and former military dude, Rob on the Uptown team?
For the challenge, which tests their multitasking skills, each team is assigned to complete 50 tasks in 24 hours and are given $2000 to do so. But of course, there is a twist: they also have to complete “red phone” tasks from Diddy Central which are not on their list. If they fail to do so, then credit for two completed tasks is removed. Two people man the command station and while others set about completing the tasks which include detailing one of Diddy’s cars.
It is during this challenge that we begin to see Poprah, Uptown team member, in all of her ignint “glory”. Barking orders, she liberally insults her fellow team members who she feels possess skills far inferior to hers. Not surprisingly, her ass is put on the chopping block following her team’s loss. As a part of the competition, she is allowed to choose someone to bring with her, someone she feels is worthy of elimination, to the tribunal which is comprised of Capricorn, Phil Robinson, Diddy’s former manager, and Kevin Liles, music executive. Poprah Kim chooses Georgette who did not count the money correctly. Georgette goes and Poprah stays.
In the second challenge, which tests their ability to work as a team, Downtown and Uptown are dropped in a wooded area on Fort Dix military base and have to find trivia questions, answer them correctly in order to receive their next coordinates which will allow them to move forward in the right direction. Former military man, Rob, leads the Uptown team, who at the outset seems to be poised for an easy win. No, so. They get lost and as a result are unable to to find the first clue in a timely manner. And when they do find the clue, they answer the question incorrectly leading them on a detour and to another loss.
Oh by the way, Poprah, didn’t participate in the challenge. Big baby got an asthma attack at the outset. How convenient. Well Poprah was up again for elimination and brought along Rob. And if you haven’t guessed it, Rob was shown the door by two burly security guards who escort eliminated contestants out of the building.
Note to Poprah/Kim: Just because you dodged a bullet, twice, don’t think for one minute that you will stay around for the ultimate “prize”. Diddy, the ultimate metrosexual, likes to surround himself with good-looking, slender if not downright skinny, people. And tag sistah, you ain’t it.
Oh by the way, the contestants have yet to interact with the man himself. Things are going to get really crazy when Diddy comes on the scene to personally put a well-manicured foot up their asses.
Although, the challenges are interesting, my favorite part of the show are the times when Diddy drops his special brand of knowledge. Here are some examples:
“I’m not human..I demand the best…Sleep is forbidden. I’m like a machine.”
“Go hard or go home.”
“I don’t want to have to pretend…I can’t sleep because I am in love…in love with my work…I wake in the middle of the night [because] I can’t wait to get back to work…If you want to work for me you have to fall in love.”
“Bitchassness will make you want to go to sleep when you need to go forward.”
Finally, attention all Diddy haters: Although you may not want to work for Diddy, I highly advise that you watch the show. You are bound to learn a thing or two to take you to the next level. A word from CarlaRay: Love has nothing to do with it when it comes to getting what you need to succeed.