I feel ashamed. So very ashamed. Finally, this reality television addiction has gotten the best of me. I enjoyed the high I got from watching Bravo’s The Rachel Zoe Project. Seeing her collect Birkin bags like works of art gave me an inexpensive, vicarious thrill. And I equally enjoyed witnessing Diddy dismiss Aubrey “I’m so nastay, I do it all day” O’Day from the girl pop group Danity Kane on season finale of VH1’s Making the Band 4.
But now, although I haven’t quite hit rock bottom (You still can’t pay me to watch Rock of Love Charm School), I am know I am well on my way. Somebody call Dr. Drew and get the bed ready at the Pasadena Recovery Center, I am watching Bravo’s the Real Housewives of Atlanta (Tuesdays, 10 p.m.). Jesus take the wheel, I am going into oncoming traffic.
I believe in guilty pleasures. Scratch that. I believe in pleasures without the burden of guilt. Live and let live. Do your thang and I’ll do mine. Okay, I’m rambling in true junkie style. Look, I’ve never indulged in the Real Housewives franchise. I wasn’t hating; it just wasn’t how I liked to get high. But when I read that Bravo was going to do a Real Housewives in the ATL and one of the broads was named NeNe (which I thought was pronounced NayNay. It’s really NeeNee), I couldn’t resist. I am drawn to hot ghetto messes like flies to feces. After watching both the preview and the show’s first episode, I was hooked. Yes, their stuff is that strong.
So, who are these women, the housewives of Atlanta? Well, they are queens of conspicous consumption who have to dress in designer duds from head to toe and who employ legions to care for their every need and whim (and these beytoches are really needy). They are wives of the NFL and NBA players and a real estate mogul. One is a kept woman by a mystery man. And their personal lives and relationships with one another are as messy as they come.
Here’s the breakdown…Before you go any further, you may need to run some errands or, at the very least, get a glass of your favorite drink and bowl of chips (I ate a bag of pretzels while typing this post.) because it’s going to take a while. The “real” in the “real housewives” stands for “real complicated”.
DeShawn – Describing Atlanta as the “land of opportunity for African Americans”, Deshawn just had a 15,000 square foot home built to her specification. Sweetly insipid and marginally literate, she states that she “always dreamed of living this way” knowing she “was destined to be somebody.” DeShawn is in the process of hiring a staff including an estate manager, maid crew, governess and nanny. What, no butt wiper and ass kisser? From what I have seen thus far, DeShawn seems like the most normal (read: boring and insignificant) of all the ATL wives.
NeNe – I must say this, as crazay as she is with her neck-rolling, eye-popping, long fingernail and weave wearing antics, I loves me some NeNe. Sistah keeps it real — although sometimes that real goes real wrong as evidenced when housewife Sheree (a brokedown soon-to-be ex-wife of a baller), inadvertently leaves NeNe’s name off of Sheree’s birthday party guest list resulting in NeNe being barred from entering by security. My girl was having none of that. She had an “Oh hell no” meltdown in the parking lot — cursing and calling for the valet to get her car. No one was going to disrespect my diva. Married to a real estate entreprenuer (whatever the hell that means), NeNe admittedly isn’t as wealthy as her ATL housewives cohorts. There is a part of me that feels sorry for her as she tries so desperately to fit in, to keep up.
Kim – NeNe’s BFF is a brassy, big-breasted blond white gal who loves shopping for designer duds. The two obviously delight in each other’s company. Kim is a divorced mother whose life of excess is financed by a mystery sugar daddy called “Big Poppa”. Big Poppa clearly has the big money because he purchased a Cadillac Escalade for Kim. I like Kim and she and NeNe seem to have a wonderful Lucy and Ethel vibe. I loved it when Kim, on her way to Sheree’s birthday party, changed her dress in a gas station parking lot as NeNe held up a coat to shield Kim’s body from public display. And in true ride or die chick style, Kim leaves with NeNe after the guest list incident even though her name was on the list.
Wait. I’ve got to take a rest. Too much stuff going on. Okay, now I will continue.
Lisa – Word on the street that she is the ex-wife of R&B crooner, Keith Sweat. During the second episode, she does mention an ex but doesn’t name him. Biracial (black and Asian), Lisa is married to Ed Hartwell an NFL linebacker who is recovering from an injury. (She’s says they are a “power couple”. Who admits to such nonsense?) Lisa is so hyperactive, you want to inject her with a vat of Ritalin. She’s a real estate broker, a jewelry designer, a mom and a gym rat. Will somebody please sit her ass down? She’s making me dizzy.
Sheree – I saved the best for last. Self-important, obnoxious and trifling cannot begin to describe this soon-to-be-ex of a a washed up baller who is in a contentious divorce battle which she hopes, at its conclusion, will net her a “seven-figure” lump sum. Listening to Sheree’s nonsense makes my head hurt. She states that she “couldn’t survive without her entourage”. I don’t know why, perhaps it’s because she has lost her mind and needs more help than even Jesus can give…Oh, she makes me so mad… As I have mentioned earlier, heifer throws herself a birthday party which she swears will be the talk of the town. And I am sure it was after NeNe called Sheree out of her name in the parking lot when she was denied admission. (Funny that I thought to use the word “admission”. I guess it’s because Sheree really put on a show.) Oh, yeah, Sheree will be the series villain for sure.
Now, you may ask yourself, is this really how the well-to-do live in Atlanta? According to my friend, a resident, the answer is “yes” and “no”. Yes, the ATL is all about ostentatious living — that is until the repo man takes their fancy ride and/or their home is forceclosed on which I am sure is happening with greater frequency in these challenging economic times. It’s kind of odd as I keep track of the gyrations of the stock market as it plummets to record lows, I look at the Real Housewives of Atlanta and it seems like I am watching a bit of American history when greed was good and Gucci was God.
It seems that NeNe is winning the PR war. She’s got a fan in Anderson Cooper.
Hot damn!!! I got to go shopping — for food. Cheese curls, pretzels and root beer. I want to make sure that I got my snacks and drank in line when the fight…I mean the “show”…begins. What, you haven’t heard? The Real Housewives of Atlanta are having a reunion special next Tuesday, November 25 at 9 p.m. And it promises to be as messay as a Tyler Perry chiltin circuit extravaganza. All I know is that on the preview I heard Lisa say something about flipping Kim over the couch. Sistah gonna go WWE on some asses. Wow.