Media Madness: At a Loss for Words

I don’t want to bother you with my troubles but I have been a bit dry lately. (No, not that kind of dry, nastay people.).  I am at a loss as to what to write. Despite the machinations of the stock market, the world seems scarily settled.  I have concluded that we are suffering from a dearth of hot mess. Britney’s kinda in her right mind.  The Real Housewives of Atlanta have concluded for the season.  There are no celebrity meltdowns or coochie shots to chat about.  I guess there is always Keyshia Cole, Frankie and Neffe to keep the crazay going but even they, are beginning to bore me.  Drinking, hollering, fighting. Fighting, hollering drinking. Yawn. 

But wait….

Just when I think the world is free of fuckery, the mainstream media has a meltdown.  Why create dramas when you can be the drama?  First, the Tribune Company, which includes such properties as the Chicago Cubs,, the LA Times and Chicago Tribune, has filed for bankruptcy.  Seems that the company, which was bought last year by gagillionaire Sam Zell, is $13 billion in debt. Oh yeah, and you were worried about your late credit card payment and bank overdraft.  Puleese.  Now, you may ask, how does one get to be $13 million…I mean $13 billion in debt?  Let me answer that:  By being a dumb greedy muthaf-er who thinks he (Yeah, I am talking about you Zell)  knows ish.  By buying into a rapidly dying sector — newspapers — and thinking he can play like Jesus and raise it from the dead.  By thinking that he doesn’t really have to work to make the company a long term success; all he has to do is fix it up real pretty with some good makeup, maybe a new weave, put in on the corner and wait for the right “buyer” to come along.  Somebody needed to tell Brother Sam that pimpin’ ain’t easy.

And Lawd, there is NBC Universal, which should be renamed, “NBC Universally Busted”.  Where do I begin?  Well, they are last place in primetime network television. They will be laying off 500 people and the bloodletting has already begun in earnest.  And oh yes, President and CEO, Jeff Zucker, who is primed to take the title of “basement baby” away from Beyonce’s sister Solange, has realized that perhaps he has come up just a bit short on television programs to fill the schedule and/or replace those that are “struggling”, this  according to the Washington Post.   How the hell do you come up short on programs?  Did he  misplace them in his office?  Zucker to Staff:  “Damn, do you know where I put those extra sitcoms?  And while I’m at it, which one of your beyotches took my hour long dramas?”  Zucker, who has been with NBC since dinosaurs walked the earth, needs to be given his walking papers.  

A couple of  last things about NBC Universally Busted.  Zucker announced that he may be reducing the number of hours of programming in primetime with the hopes of saving some cash. No comment. And oh,the New York Times announced that Jay Leno, currently of The Tonight Show, will take over in the 10 p.m. (Eastern) slot after Conan O’Brien takes over  Leno’s 11:30 p.m. slot beginning in May 2009.  With the move, Zucker and crew hope to keep Leno from fleeing like a runway slave to Universally Busted’s competitors.  My thoughts on the Leno move?  Don’t give an ish.  Wasn’t watching.  Still won’t watch. 


Enough about those media mongrels.  I have some more important news to cover.

With the Lawd as her witness, Oprah will never be skinny again.   Oh yeah, Oprah Winfrey, who went from America’s favorite mammy to its favorite sistah girlfriend, is once again, thicker than ten Snickers and two plates of ribs (extra sauce please) at 200 lbs. Fat Oprah and Thin Oprah will both grace the cover of the January issue of O,The Oprah Magazine which will be on stands Tuesday.  Somewhere, comedienne Kathy Griffin is celebrating. (source)

Taking a break from snarfing (not true really but you kind of know it is), she had this to say:

[Admitting she had “fallen off the wagon”  Me: She didn’t fall. She broke the bitch.] “I’m mad at myself,” Winfrey writes in an article provided early to The Associated Press by Harpo Productions.

“I’m embarrassed,” she writes. “I can’t believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I’m still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?'” (source)

This broad is six degrees of pitiful. But I ain’t shedding a tear for her big ass. 

Winfrey also writes that her goal is no longer to be thin; instead, she wants to be strong, healthy and fit. She hopes to get started with her upcoming “Best Life Week,” starting Jan. 5 with an episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” during which she is expected to talk candidly about her weight. (source)

The one thing we don’t need to hear another word about how she struggles with her weight.  I got a meal plan for her ass: She needs less food and more people like me in her life — beyotches who know how to serve truth straight up.  “Listen, you big heifer, put that fork down. You know your fat ass can’t eat that.” I really can’t imagine  bff Gayle King coming at her that hard; she’s become to accustomed the high living that Oprah has provided.

I’m so glad that the world is back to normal.  Thanks Oprah. 

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